I can’t believe it’s not banned yet: 5 problematic behaviors for the woke squad to outlaw next

The forces of social justice have been tireless in banning anything offensive, hurtful or ‘problematic.’ But why stop now? There’s danger everywhere, and only the censor’s stamp can save us.

Now that scantily-clad women are banned from sporting events, Santa has turned into Sustainability Pirate and 'Baby It's Cold Outside' has gotten a chastity-belted 2019 rework, the job is far from done – it’s going to be a busy 2020 for the woke squad banning the next batch of problematic things. Like these.

Consensual Sex

Problematic Factor: 69/10, too hot to handle

© Pxhere

Men, you’ve had a lovely evening with her. She’s returned your affection and invited you back to her place to get more intimate. In no uncertain terms she’s told you that she wants to engage in a bout of horizontal cardio. Think you did everything right? Too bad, you’re still a rapist.

That’s according to one Georgetown Law professor, who believes that unless men continuously reaffirm during intercourse that they still have consent, that sex is definitively rape. The professor does not suggest how men actually do this, but a questionnaire submitted every minute would probably do the trick without breaking the mood at all.

But wait, consent or not, there are those who argue that all heterosexual intercourse is rape. Radical feminist Andrea Dworkin argued in 1987 that all sex is rape because power and the patriarchy and such, and totally not because she was missing out on the fun.

In a socially just world, all heterosexual congress should be banned. Men should be castrated at birth and forced to toil in the soy fields, while women live full and satisfying lives, finally free from the terrors of the heterosexual orgasm.

Hoop earrings

Problematic factor: nueve de diez

Cultural appropriation is a well-worn path at this stage. Our brave social justice crusaders have already reclaimed dreadlocks from pot-smoking white oppressors for their rightful owners of color, and universities across the US have clamped down on sombreros, feathered headdresses, and all kinds of ethnic costumes.

But go to any nightclub and you’ll see that cultural appropriation is alive and well. Did you know that hoop earrings aren’t just a tacky choice of jewelry? They’re also a sacred symbol of “resistance, strength and identity” for the latinx community.

Policing the outfits of every single oppressor will be a difficult task, true. But America can look east for inspiration here. Saudi Arabia’s Islamic Religious Police do a bang up job preventing the local women from appropriating dangerous western cultural trends, like reading, and uncovering their hair.

A Social Justice Police officer in every nightclub would go a long way towards ridding society of cultural appropriation. In addition, caucasians seen attempting to twerk could be summarily executed. Stick to your polkas and waltzes, whitey!

Alcohol

Problematic Factor: 150% Proof the patriarchy exists

Sure, there are plenty of arguments against our favorite poison: it causes liver failure, impairs judgement, and is a factor in two out of every three instances of domestic abuse in the United States. But did you know that it’s also a devious tool of the patriarchy, designed to keep women from noticing the barrage of microaggressions they face every day?

That’s right. According to one Quartz writer, alcohol is an elixir invented to keep women “purring when we should be making other kinds of noise.” Essentially, by remaining liquored up, women can tolerate “a thousand years of patriarchy,” or at least put up with awkward come-ons from men at office parties.

Progressive media outlet Vox has already banned the infernal rape-juice from its annual Christmas party. Isn’t it time for full-scale national prohibition? What could go wrong?

The unbearable whiteness of everything

Problematic Factor: 10/10, pure unadulterated racism

Damn white people and their *shuffles cards* woodland hiking! In case you haven’t noticed by now, many wholesome and healthy activities are unbearably white. America’s national parks are full of smiling white families clad head to toe in North Face gear, led by Asics-wearing dads who say things like “let’s go gang!” A Sunday trek is practically a Klan meeting.

"Let's go gang, it's still two miles to the Klavern" © Flickr / Virginia State Parks

The problem was first identified in an article entitled “The Unbearable Whiteness of Hiking,” and thinkpiece after thinkpiece have since highlighted the “unbearable whiteness” of skiing, farming, cycling, Indie music, self-care, being Irish, and hundreds more seemingly innocuous activities.

The argument goes that the saturation of white people in these spaces can dissuade people of color from partaking in the fun. So, rather than banning the activities themselves, why not simply designate some whites-only spaces, where no self-respecting POC would ever want to go?

Perhaps a Jimmy Buffet concert? The hockey hall of fame? North Dakota? The possibilities here are endless.

Animal Sexism

Problematic Factor: 8/10 cats say they’re triggered

Not content to impose its will on human females (and the non-binary), the patriarchy is also working to assert male dominance over the animal kingdom. Did you know that natural history museums around the world display a shocking TWO PERCENT more male mammals than female? And where is the transgender animal representation?

One zoo in London is correcting this historic injustice by allowing two gay penguins to raise a “genderless” chick, to allow visitors to “meet that individual and learn about its personality without assigning it any sort of pre-concieved gender roles.”/

But how many of us still call our dogs “good boy” without asking them whether they really identify as their biological sex? And isn’t putting pretty pink bows on our cats just reinforcing harmful gender stereotypes? All of these questions and more have been answered by the trailblazing journalists at the Washington Post and the activists at PETA.

We’ve covered five big nasties here, but this list is just the beginning. The world will only be completely sanitized once all traditions, humor, diversity of thought, and basically anything a white man ever says are stamped out in the name of political correctness. Sharpen your pitchforks, my gender-nonspecific pals, light your carbon-neutral torches, and let’s spread the light of social justice to the world.

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