‘Second Civil War Letters’ take over Twitter
A century and a half after more than 600,000 perished in a war between the Union and the Confederacy, Americans are once again talking civil war - on Twitter, that is. Using the hashtag #SecondCivilWarLetters, liberals and conservatives are living out their fantasies of triumphing over their political adversaries.
It all began Monday evening, when #Resistance activist Amanda Blount tweeted the following:
My Dear John,— Amanda Blount (@amandablount2) July 2, 2018
The war isn't going as planned. Our supply trucks are limited. I'm out of wine and sunscreen. The enemy burned all the books and there is no place to recharge my Kindle. The only music is an old CD of Justin Bieber. - All is lost. #secondcivilwarletters
The post started an avalanche of “letters,” some trying to emulate the style of the famous “dear Sarah” letter by Sullivan Ballou, made famous by Ken Burns’ 1990 documentary series 'The Civil War,' and read to the tune of Ashokan Farewell.
By Tuesday afternoon there were almost 90,000 tweets with the hashtag, and many more without.The self-proclaimed Resistance to President Donald Trump’s Republican administration led the charge.
Dearest Mother: the Battle of Bowling Green is won. Our demands include submission to the entire 2016 DNC platform. It is with pride that I tell you our dream of taco trucks on every corner will soon become a reality.— Resist. Register. Vote. (@emigre80) July 3, 2018
Viva la revolution!
My dearest Gladys,— Bob Harry 🇺🇸🏳️🌈🇲🇽 (@BobHarryD) July 3, 2018
I saw a man lose his life today. His eyes looked past me, toward what I did not know. I kneeled at my fallen enemy.
“I could’ve been on your side,” he revealed between coughs. “But for her emails,” he said as he met his fate.
Dearest:— Facial Merkin (@facialmerkin) July 3, 2018
I take pen to hand to write to tell you I am not well. We are bunkered down in Olive Garden with only breadsticks & house Chardonnay to sustain us. My heart is sorrowful, but my resolve is strong. No carbs. Not now. Not ever.
Your loyal wife#secondcivilwarletters
Some even name-dropped Resistance celebrities, such as Rep. Maxine Waters (D-California), MSNBC host Rachel Maddow, and CNN fixture Michael Avenatti, lawyer for adult actress Stormy Daniels:
My dearest Bethany.— Mark Heber (@CableXJ) July 3, 2018
It is quiet on the front. We know the MAGAs are near. The smell of instant coffee and hot pockets is overwhelming. General Maxine gives us all courage as we wait. The MAGAs scream, “But the emails!” and charge.
Pray for me, my dear.#secondcivilwarletters
#secondcivilwarletters— Nurit (@nuritgreenfinch) July 3, 2018
My Dearest Husband,
At long last, by the grace of God & a lucky Uber alone, our Hortons Battalion has reached our American comrades. We brought with us shoes & poutine. Morale has soared. Gen. Maddow and Captain Avenatti will be leading our charge at dawn
Others, like the sworn anti-Trump Republican consultant Rick Wilson, chose to fantasize about a repeat of last August’s tragic events in Charlottesville, Virginia.
Colonel:— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) July 3, 2018
During the 3rd Battle of Charlottesville we captured enemy caches of citronella oil, Tiki torches, and Japanese pornography.
Also, Trumpistani leader Richard Spencer was captured as he attempted to escape into a local Walmart dressed as a woman.#secondcivilwarletters
It didn’t take long for Trump supporters to fire back, however.
Dearest Samuel,— Kathie 🇺🇸💎ツ (@MustangGirl3) July 3, 2018
Feminism has brought me to the front lines, where the enemy is out-manning our cause ten thousand-to-one. Our avocado rations are depleting & I fear there will be nothing left to fortify our remaining toast.
Triggerings are merciless.#SecondCivilWarLetters
All:— chance (@pkrandall) July 3, 2018
Our espresso machine is broken and our supply of Starbucks singles is running thin. Our avocado ration is cut in half and there's a 10-minute wait for a charging port. Sherman was right: War Is Hell.
Sent by my iPhone #secondcivilwarletters
Yesterday we were overrun by the 3rd brigade, 2nd Lib Owning battalion. We were unable to fight after a shock and awe campaign blasted "intersectionality is a joke" and "there are only two genders" from loudspeakers— Smells Like Teen Statism (@BlueEightySix) July 3, 2018
They have captured drag kid and sent him to a loving home. Help
There will be an extended barrage of memetillery before the flanking maneuver on the 21st Pussyhat Regiment.— BertG (@_Bert_G_) July 3, 2018
General Sarsour keeps shouting Aloha Snackbar as we wander aimlessly in search of this Hawaiian food truck. I do hope when we find it there are gluten free options. Please send kombucha. We are tired.— Tracey Shapiro (@Tracey1024) July 3, 2018
Dear sister keep the faith. Rumors spread quickly that the 3rd Snowflake brigade was wiped out when pallets of Tide pods were left outside their camp. By morning it will be over. Imagine telling our grandchildren about July 4th! Our Independence Day! 🎇🎆#secondcivilwarletters— Peggy Elder 🇺🇸 🏴 (@PegElder) July 3, 2018
Eventually, even Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) got into the spirit of things:
Dearest Elaine,— Senator Hatch Office (@senorrinhatch) July 3, 2018
Please forgive my extended absence. I have been anxiously engaged in efforts to take ownership of the progressive factions, who have come to battle ill-prepared and armed with predictable stratagem.
We will be victorious.
The twitter "war" was still going on, as of Tuesday afternoon.
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