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22 Feb, 2018 17:39

Who you gonna blame? Five times Britain used the Russian bogeyman in just the last 3 months

Who you gonna blame? Five times Britain used the Russian bogeyman in just the last 3 months

The British government is in all sorts of political strife. Brexit is threatening to topple the Prime Minister, there’s not enough money to go round, and the dark, bearded figure of Jeremy Corbyn is lurking in the background.

There is one thing that can be relied on though – the Russian bogeyman is always available to help the politically challenged. Here’s five occasions in the last 3 months alone that the mythical monsters of Moscow have come to the aid of struggling politicians.

Fake news flop

Parliament’s fake news committee went windmilling into the ring like an amateur boxer at the MGM Grand – and was promptly floored by a knock-down blow from the US.

Convinced they would strong-arm Facebook, Twitter, Google and YouTube into finding evidence of Russian voter manipulation and hacking during Brexit, the committee travelled to Washington.
There, they were refused use of the UK embassy and given the cold shoulder by the social media big beasts.

Study after study has found Russia spent as little as $1 on advertising around Brexit and had no impact on voters. But you know the old saying: Keep digging and eventually… you’ll look as ridiculous as the MPs from the digital, culture, media and sport committee who will do anything to concoct some ‘proof’ of Russia-bots at the ballot box.

Underwater warfare scare

Air Chief Marshal Sir Stuart Peach is worried about Russia. He believes the Kremlin has picked out its next target, and what’s more he knows what it is. It’s a network of underwater cables (yes, really). A network of underwater cables, which if disrupted, could topple economies, since an estimated 97% of global communications and $10 trillion in transactions travel through them daily.

This is a network of cables which connects continents via an estimated 213 independent cable systems and 545,018 miles (877,121 km) of fiber. This network falling could be extremely damaging… for Russia, as well as the rest of the world.

But, since Moscow is a self-mutilating monster which wants all-out war and bloodshed, world domination and vodka as freely available as water, we guess it makes sense. Why make this up?

Cash: The British military is staring down the barrel of a £30bn funding black hole. And to stop Theresa taking their toys, the forces need a reason to keep their war tech – and tours. Cue the imaginary enemy…

He loves us, he loves us not…

How can we write about Russian blunders and forget to mention the blonde-haired kingpin of baffling Russia-based rants – Boris Johnson. Johnson was happy to put on his Vlad-rags and meet with officials in Moscow, last year, but has been slightly confused on Russia.

Previously the foreign secretary declared “Russia is up to all sorts of no good” yet when he was asked about hacking in the Commons, said there is no evidence. Why would the foreign secretary give out mixed messages?

Well, Boris will do just about anything for the limelight, and, if he cosies up to international figures – despite running them down – he’ll keep popular opinion at home, and have new mates when he finally takes Theresa’s head.


Gavin Williamson managed to get himself promoted to Secretary of Defense – without knowing a thing about it.

Now, Williamson is aiming to push through an entire overhaul of the military. And he needs to do it, because of Russia, he says. He thinks Moscow more dangerous than the jihadis who have actually killed people on London’s streets.

Yet Moscow, he says, could be plotting to take hundreds of thousands of lives by attacking Britain’s power system, grid and communications cables. Why? On the same day he scared the country senseless with those claims, it also came out he had done a bit of extra-marital groping of a female colleague back in the day. “Thanks Russian bogeyman, you really helped me there.”

Russian spy rumbled in Parliament – oh, wait…

In the most laughable show of political paranoia over Russian ‘meddling’ MPs thought they spotted a Russian spy in the gallery in Parliament. Eagle-eyed Ben Bradshaw and Labour's Chris Bryant were spotted gesticulating and indicating the public gallery in December.

Security inside the world-famous Palace of Westminster was alerted and the man dragged away.
The cloaked figure – we guess carrying a briefcase and wearing a large hat – turned out to be a US citizen, according to Commons sources.

Speaking anonymously, he said: “I work for a think-tank in London, my phone is taped up over the camera so I can’t take pictures. “I was just here for the day; I didn't know what was happening.”
Their reason? Lord only knows on this one. Ben? Chris? Help us out…