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30 Sep, 2021 08:00

Britain’s Bonfire Night has become Non-fire Night as the woke cancel fire... and replace it with a big-screen TV

Britain’s Bonfire Night has become Non-fire Night as the woke cancel fire... and replace it with a big-screen TV

The woke have got their hands on Britain’s much-loved Bonfire Night, banning a real fire for coverage on a big screen ‘to protect the environment’. This pointless exercise sums up the absurdity of much of their joyless ideology.

Have you ever had one of those fake fires in your house? You know, it sits under the mantelpiece and kinda looks a bit like a real fire. It may even have some fake coal or logs and flicker a bit. But it ain’t a real fire. Nope.

It’s just a light show, and any heat emanating comes from burning gas or the consumption of electricity. It’s simply not the same thing. So why bother?

Well, now the wokeys have their sights set on one of Britain’s favourite traditions, Bonfire Night, when fires are lit and firework displays are held across the country to mark Guy Fawkes’ attempt to blow up Parliament in 1605. More on him later... 

Anyway, the wokeys are asking people – for real – to pay to sit in front of a big screen… and watch a fire burn. As it’s better for the environment than the real thing. And this is all gonna happen in early November in the wealthy, wokeist London suburb of Dulwich. 

Disappointed mum Masie Bennett had planned to enjoy the family tradition of Bonfire Night with her kids, who also missed out last year due to lockdown. She told The Sun: “If we’re just going to watch a flame on a television screen then it’s a bit rubbish and we may as well do that at home.”

It’s the first time that Dulwich Sports Club has had a Bonfire Night without, err, a real fire, but it’s hoping to attract 7,000 people as it has in previous years. The advert for 2021’s celebration isn’t especially enticing though. “This year the event is ‘Going Green’ with an eco-friendly virtual Bonfire on the Big Screen… Strictly no sparklers, these will not be allowed on to the site.”

Hang on a sec? Sparklers and a real fire are banned. But not fireworks. What’s the thinking behind that?

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And, get this, there’s parking on site for all those ‘Chelsea tractors’ – you know, the Porsche and Jaguar and Range Rover 4x4s that are mandatory for housewives in these wealthy areas to ferry their brats to private school and then get mummy to yoga or pilates. Hey, Dulwich Sports Club organisers, don’t you get the irony?

It's a £10 entry for an adult and a quid for a kid to watch a big fire on a telly. Awesome. Be careful, you might get crushed in the rush for a ticket. And just listen to this bloke, who truly exists in a parallel universe to the rest of us. “The idea sounds interesting and I hope everyone in attendance has a fun evening,” said Dulwich Labour Councillor Richard Leeming. “Dulwich is home to innovation so it doesn’t surprise me that this will be a first.”

Yeah, it sounds like fabulous fun, Councillor Leeming. A fire-free bonfire. Rock ’n‌’ roll, baby, rock ’n‌’ roll! 

Now, this may all sound a bit ridiculous anyway to anyone who didn’t grow up hearing the nursery rhyme ‘Remember, remember the 5th of November’ and all that.

So let me explain to all you lovely non-British RT readers what this is all about. Four hundred or so years ago, some bloke called Guido (or simply Guy) Fawkes and his chums wanted to blow up the Houses of Parliament and also, hopefully, cook the King. It was all a religious thing, really, but I won’t bore you with the details.

When I was a kid, we would make a fake ‘Guy’ out of old clothes and straw and then bum money off adults by asking “Penny for the Guy?” This Guy effigy then got pride of place on the top of the bonfire. Unfortunately, the real Guy Fawkes was caught down in a cellar under Parliament with a box of matches and a rather large pile of gunpowder. Poom! 

It didn’t quite go off with a bang for poor Guido, though, as he was hung, drawn and quartered; meaning he was to be dragged through the streets of London behind a cart to the place of execution and then hanged – strangled, essentially – until close to death. Normally, victims were disemboweled and had their genitals cut off while still alive, which they were then shown. Nice touch. Then he was quartered – chopped into pieces – each slab sent to a different part of the realm to be put on display. 

Note a crucial fact in all this woke Bonfire Night nonsense; the wokeys don’t seem at all bothered that we celebrate such brutality. Nah. It’s the smoke that bothers them. 

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It reminds me of dim Hollywood TV executives who encourage as much murder and blood and mayhem on their shows as possible, but contort any script into impossible shapes in order to avoid a swear word or a sex scene. Just ask writers such as George R. R. Martin, who wrote the books behind ‘Game of Thrones’ or David Chase, the genius behind ‘The Sopranos’ (and the movie ‘The Many Saints of Newark’, which comes out this weekend), both of whom previously worked in network TV, and were driven nuts by these idiotic execs.

So long as the victim doesn’t swear when the executioner swings his axe to chop off his head, it’s all good. “Can we get a bit more of a realistic arterial blood squirt though, this time, maybe?” they’d possibly say. “How about the head has some final words for the camera when he’s held up by the axeman like, with meat hanging down where his neck used to be? But he can’t swear! Great, greenlight!”

So what will be next in the wokeys’ sights? They’re kind of running out of targets. They need to find a way to actually police people’s THOUGHTS, then they’d be onto a winner.

Non-woke locals who live near this non-event in Dulwich have, rightly, called the whole thing ‘pointless’ and ‘joyless’. Yup. Doesn’t that kind of define the whole woke orthodoxy? 

Pointless and joyless. What a boring world these wokeys seek to create. 

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The statements, views and opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of RT.