The 5 tribes of coronavirus: Society has divided up in surprising, and not so surprising ways

Times of crisis bring people together under a common cause – says the propaganda of the blind optimist. What we’ve actually seen during the coronavirus pandemic is society divide into different tribes; here are five of them.

The Remain-at-Homers

This group will not leave their homes no matter what, as a matter of principle. By pure coincidence they also tend to have the biggest houses and largest gardens, and jobs they can do comfortably from their well-equipped studies. It’s not self-discipline getting them through lockdown, but pure smugness – which you can see on their face when they gleefully tell you, via Zoom, how long it’s been since they left the house in much the same manner a veteran might describe landing on Omaha Beach or defending Stalingrad.

The Anti-Lockdowners

This lot can be heard saying things like, “it’s just a nasty cold,” or “grandad was going to die anyway.” However they justify it, they’re just not interested in being forced to stay at home. You’ll see them angrily protesting for their right to get a beer and a haircut... or perhaps you’ll see them in the hospital on a ventilator recovering from a nasty cold.

The Hypocrites

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The Hypocrites are a strange mix of Remain-at-Homer and Anti-Lockdowner. These virtue signallers will keep up the smug facade of those who are following all the rules by staying at home to watch Netflix. However, don’t be fooled because they’re also going shopping for essential supplies three times a day and exercising twice a day, despite the fact that they hadn’t even run for a bus in two decades before all this started. Yep, they spend more time outside than they used to!

The Snitches

And then there are the Snitches. These are your neighbours who spend the whole day longingly staring out the window dreaming of freedom, but as soon as they see you walk out the front door to buy bread and booze, they call the police to get you properly locked down. Solidarity has its limits.

The Conspiracists

These are the people who think Covid-19 is a Bill Gates plan to force you to buy Windows 27. Or that the government is just trying to wipe out pensioners. Or that 5G is downloading the virus straight into your brain in an impressive two seconds as long as your cell plan is up to date. Whatever the theory, as long as there is no proof, they’ll tell you all about it. Via Zoom.

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