​BuzzFeed investigates penis size, internet cries WTF

Robert Bridge
Robert Bridge is an American writer and journalist. He is author of the book, 'Midnight in the American Empire,' released in 2013. robertvbridge@yahoo.com
​BuzzFeed investigates penis size, internet cries WTF
In yet another sign that certain parts of mainstream media are becoming obsessed with animalistic urges and impulses, BuzzFeed slapped a ruler against its manhood to see where they stand in the global pecking order.

On Saturday morning, with spring in the air, the crack staff at BuzzFeed were busy pursuing a subject that has been hotly debated ever since some self-obsessed male invented the ruler many eons ago (drum roll, house lights, applause): Penis Size.

Yes, in response to a study by British researchers that showed the global average (erect) male organ to be humiliatingly less than the length of the average boa constrictor, BuzzFeed, the American internet media click farm, offered a radical new interpretation of investigative journalism, performing self-examinations to see how they measure up in the global stud farm.

In the spirit of anonymity, a brightly decorated cardboard box, which suggested some sort of Freudian slip regarding female genitalia, was strategically placed in the newsroom where strapping young bucks could deposit on a slip of paper containing their penis dimensions - signed, sealed and delivered by some legendary porn star, I would imagine, and with poor timing for Valentine’s Day.

The expected result (see the comment section) was not much different than those epic tales told by fishermen following an excursion on the high seas where the size of the fish kept on growing with each retelling of the story. It also created something akin to a colorful wave of nausea and virtual vomit across the median strip of the electronic highway.

Personally, I gave up squinting at a ruler in a locked bathroom ever since one wise old man, who had been around the block more than once, confided to me that guys would stop measuring their members when they came to the realization that women never measure their own merchandise. Interesting point, I had to admit.

Reuters / Gleb Garanich

In any case, I can’t help wondering if BuzzFeed will be soon summoned before the military tribunal of Political Correctness for being so rash as to announce to the world simple biological differences between men and women.

Yet as puerile and juvenile as the BuzzFeed piece might have been, it did provide some tantalizing food for thought.

Today, we seem to be greatly confused as to what place the male sex organ – symbolically speaking – should take in modern society aside from over the urinal and other unmentionable places. Paradoxically, some of the world’s greatest symbols of liberty and freedom that dominate public squares around the world are anachronistic, phallic-shaped, ancient-Egyptian-inspired obelisks, like the Washington Monument and to a lesser degree, perhaps, the Eiffel Tower.

Other man-made, phallic-shaped creations include nuclear-tipped ballistic missiles that have the capacity to obliterate life on earth, and there's no condom effective enough to stop that mess.

And it should come as no surprise that insatiably curious, endlessly inventive, testosterone-laced males designed these creations and many others.

Although many men would logically object that it would not make much sense to design a missile in the shape of a breast, for example, to say nothing of a vagina, it is no less insane to litter the planet with phallic-shaped projectiles, and despite the fact that their anatomical similarity with the male genitalia makes for the best aerodynamic design. Which begs the question: What would our (failing) man-made social system look like if it were suddenly taken over by women, the fairer sex that was not born with a competitive yardstick in one hand and some kind of heat-seeking missile in the other?

Reuters / Gonzalo Fuentes

What if soft, curving ‘feminine’ types of architecture supplanted the male-constructed landscape where concrete cities around the world still compete - like children building sand castles on the shore - to see who can erect the tallest skyscraper on the horizon? Even better, not only would the architectural structures be eliminated, but also the increasingly oppressive, male-dominated global institutions that inhabit them.

Is it too late time to build a utopian society where the male genetic code, which coldly and calculatingly reduces everything on earth to a crude numbers game, was to politely step aside for the female genetic code that seems to place higher value on life, community and, I dare say, social justice (I am fully prepared to admit, in light of some high-ranking females on the global stage who seem particularly keen on warfare and bloodshed, that this theory is not perfect. However, I think we can agree that the thought processes of the Hillary Clintons of the world represent a tiny minority among the females)?

Is man’s age-old obsession with competition, even in the ridiculous realm of dangling biological appendages, projecting itself like a metaphor on the modern scene, prompting men and women to partake in a vicious “more is better” lifestyle, where the daily compulsion to accumulate more material continues unabated with little or no consideration for the disastrous effects on the physical and spiritual planes?

Are men and their competitive impulses – illustrated so well by BuzzFeed’s penis-measuring stunt – responsible for the chaos that now dominates and threatens to destroy our fragile planet?

Is the male sex organ, and by extension the men who are attached to them, becoming a politically incorrect member of proper society?

Alas, so many questions, so few honest rulers.


The statements, views and opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of RT.