Americans' relationship with their constitution is BROKEN: Here is some marriage guidance to help them repair it

The Covid-19 lockdown has got some Americans in full Constitution-waving mode. But their worship of this old document is a broken marriage. They need some relationship advice.

Have you ever noticed how some Americans have a nervous tick? Touch the right nerve and they involuntarily blurt out the words “US Constitution,”  like they have patriotic Tourette syndrome. Dare to offend their American sensibilities and they’ll whip out an amendment faster than you can say Uncle Sam. 

It’s an affliction that feels very unhealthy.

I’m not suggesting that the US Constitution – the Bill of Rights and its many amendments – is a bad thing. Rights are, for the most part, good things. I’m just saying that many Americans’ relationships with it are broken, tired, occasionally abusive and in need of some freshening up.

However, seeing as divorce is highly unlikely, I’d like to offer three pieces of marriage guidance.

Listen, don’t hear

Lying at the black heart of many a marital dispute is a degree of misunderstanding between partners. Maybe you don’t communicate, maybe you don’t listen, or maybe – as I think the case is with you and Connie (as I’m going to call the Constitution from now on, because it makes it sound more appealing as a life partner) – you just hear what you want to hear.

For example, Connie’s most devoted lovers believe that its Second Amendment allows them the individual right “to keep and bear arms.”

They don’t take into account the many additional and conditional words around that phrase, nor allow for the fact that it’s from a pre-industrial age where “arms” for most people were a musket, pitchfork or hex, not semi-automatic assault rifles capable of mass slaughter in minutes.

Perhaps you should try listening to what Connie is really telling you without focussing on how it suits your needs. At the moment you’re hearing your partner say, “You’re getting lucky tonight,” when they’re actually saying, “You need to take a shower and a good look at yourself if you think you’re getting lucky tonight.”

Understand the true meaning of freedom 

A very popular word with lovers of Connie, freedom is important in a marriage, but also a tricky balance to strike. Too little freedom and one or both partners can feel constrained; too much freedom and someone can get hurt.

That “right” to bear arms (but not bare arms – I don’t think that’s covered) is a much-debated level of freedom because, even with some restrictions, people get hurt. Hurt to death in many cases, which I’d suggest is an infringement of their freedom to not get killed. Worst of all, as is often the case when things go bad in a relationship, it’s the children who suffer most. 

You also say you want your markets to be free, but Article 1 of Connie means they never are. It allows – among many other things such as declaring war – your Congress to put up trade barriers and, I’d suggest, emotional barriers, too.

Then you have “freedom of speech,” as mentioned in Connie’s First Amendment. Again, try not to take this too literally. Freedom of speech doesn’t mean the freedom to say what you want to whom you want how you want. With freedom comes responsibility, because words are powerful and have consequences. They can hurt people’s feelings, cause others to hurt people, and cause people to hurt themselves. They can also cause things like witch trials, inquisitions and Twitter. I think it’s always good to remember what Jesus said:

“Be honest, sure, but don’t be a dick.”

He’d also probably be against all those times when you’ve ignored Connie’s freedoms because it’s been convenient, such as when you’ve imprisoned and tortured people without trial, or prevented people from having certain political views, let alone talking about them. This too can lead to witch trials.

Change and accept change

Finally, let’s talk about change. People in long-term relationships change. The world changes. Not adapting to or even accepting change can lead to resentment, which is why so many old people hate immigrants.

Joking. Kind of.

You need to accept that Connie is more than 200 years old and therefore much of what it originally stood for, while noble in many ways, isn’t relevant to today’s America and today’s world.

It provides a polarized two-party system of government that regularly produces a legislative stalemate while handing over immense powers to a single individual who can be elected by a minority – not exactly the democratic utopia the Founding Fathers dreamed of after they ditched the English crown, I’m sure.

It’s ok to change Connie, you don’t need to worship it like scripture. It needed 12 amendments before it even got passed. It used to be absolutely fine with slavery, which clearly isn’t cool, until its 13th Amendment in 1864. It’s been amended 27 times and you can keep on amending it. Your freedom of speech and gun-toting rights are amendments. And if Connie can change, you can too. 

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