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Kings and Queens of Corona: 5 people who are having a great global pandemic

Simon Rite
Simon Rite

is a writer based in London for RT, in charge of several projects including the political satire group #ICYMI. Follow him on Twitter @SiWrites

is a writer based in London for RT, in charge of several projects including the political satire group #ICYMI. Follow him on Twitter @SiWrites

Kings and Queens of Corona: 5 people who are having a great global pandemic
It doesn’t matter how much misery and economic hardship is caused by the coronavirus pandemic, there are always people out there who always find a way to benefit. And guess what? It just happens to be the usual suspects.

Here are five people having a great global pandemic

Boris Johnson

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has had a great pandemic. Rather than stick around and have to explain why his policies did nothing to prevent thousands from dying, he decided to catch coronavirus himself; a stroke of political genius. You get a couple of weeks in bed, look heroic as you battle the deadly virus and get to magnanimously thank the nurses who looked after you at the end of it all. More essentially, Boris has an excuse to shift some of the blame on to others, which is the most important thing in politics. Oh, and just to cap it all of, his fiancee has given birth. He should call a snap election right now.

Joe Biden

Keeping with the theme of political absence making the heart grow fonder, we turn to Joe Biden.  The likely Democratic challenger to Donald Trump has kept a very low profile during the Covid-19 crisis, and that’s no accident. All the time Donald Trump is suggesting that injecting household cleaning substances could cure coronavirus, there’s no need for Biden to get involved in anything as unpleasant as campaigning. The less Grandpa Joe says in public, the better his chances of winning. Oh, and global pandemics tend to draw attention from any groping allegations that may or may not arise.

Also on rt.com Governments don’t know what to do about Covid-19, but they’ll lock us down before admitting it

Jacinda Ardern 

New Zealand’s patron saint and Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has played a blinder. She stole hearts early on in the crisis by declaring the Easter Bunny a key worker so he/she could continue to deliver easter eggs to kids. And now she’s basking in the glory of being able to say coronavirus has been “eliminated” from her country. What’s her secret?  Well lock everyone down quickly and efficiently. Oh, and try and make sure the country you’re in charge of only has a population of about eight. (Actual population 4.9 million people, 29 million sheep).

Jeff Bezos

The pandemic has proven beyond all doubt that Amazon supremo Jeff Bezos is a genius. He’s come up with a company that makes billions from happiness and misery and everything in between. Whether you’re buying your online isolation groceries, your protective face masks or even, God forbid, a book, you can be sure of just one thing; you’re helping to push the Amazon share price up another gazillion percent. While the rest of the market was crashing, Bezos’s net worth was rising faster than the rate of infections in the US.

Bill Gates

From one worrying tech billionaire to another, Microsoft’s Bill Gates is taking full advantage of the pandemic to remind everyone that he predicted something like this in a TedTalk way back in 2015. Lots of other people have predicted the same thing too, but they didn’t invent Windows and that annoying little talking paper clip, so they don’t get to claim the credit like Gates does.  He thinks only the use of ‘contact tracing’ and a central database can finally beat the virus.  Sounds like something Microsoft could help out with, for a small fee.

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The statements, views and opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of RT.

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