Why coronavirus should be the next US president

With the Super Tuesday results in, some Democrats are worried about whether or not Joe Biden can beat Donald Trump. Some feel the same about Bernie Sanders. Maybe it’s time for something more effective: the coronavirus.

It may be a time when a true political revolution is needed for America. One that’s even more radical than what Bernie Sanders has run on with his “I can’t believe it’s not communism” approach. A more stable campaign than Joe Biden’s “Wait, where am I again?” could really deliver. The Democrats need something stable. They need something with a goal. They need something with focus. Well, what has more of that than a virus? Specifically, the coronavirus. 

In fact, the coronavirus has accomplishments to its name already. It’s never made any bones about what it’s good at. It makes people sick and sometimes kills them – both are traditional pastimes for American presidents. In politics, it’s good to have a consistent message and you’re not going to get more consistent than that! Not to mention it has already been promoting US foreign policy goals – just look at Iran. What the US started with the assassination of Qassem Solemani, the coronavirus has been dutifully keeping up.

Mohammad Mirmohammadi, an Iranian Expediency Council member and adviser to Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khameni, died from coronavirus on Monday, and senior diplomat Hossein Sheikholeslam followed on Thursday. More reports about high-ranking Tehran officials getting infected are coming in every day. A leader like coronavirus could quite easily show that those who chant "Death to America" should fear their next cough. Not to mention it saves the United States money on ammunition!

Then there’s the issue of the Chinese economy. Trump’s trade wars have been a point of debate on both sides of the political aisle, but we need something faster! We need something more decisive! We need coronavirus! Think about it. What else has been more harmful for China’s economy than the coronavirus over the last 10 years? Nothing! Ultimately, who else could we trust to have such an effect? I mean, we humans can really only do so much. Coronavirus, on the other hand, can make sure that we keep China’s markets in check!

There's also the presence of the United States around the globe. We're all about protecting our interests on a global scale. Just look at any map of US military bases across the world. Well, with the coronavirus leading the way, we can do it easier than before! Imagine how many fewer ships and military bases we would need if our president literally had its unstoppable tendrils in every country on the planet! It's important to both have a strong hand and conserve our resources, and I honestly couldn't think of a better way.

We can’t forget the environment though. Not to mention, whether people admit it in public or not we’re all tired of hearing Greta Thunberg complain. So why not use something more effective than a whiny 17-year-old? That’s where coronavirus comes in. According to many folks who seem to agree with Greta, planes are the bane of the climate. Well, who has caused more canceled flights than coronavirus? Clearly coronavirus has a care for the environment that is completely unmatched. Coronavirus is truly a hero for the ozone layer, keeping humans inside their homes and feasting on anything with Vitamin C with the hopes of staying healthy. This is the true way to be environmentally friendly, people!

As it stands, it’s rather clear that Biden and Sanders cannot stand up against Trump. Only coronavirus can save the day from the bad orange man! So vote coronavirus! The worst thing that can happen is that it kills us all, right?