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1 Dec, 2016 08:49

Believe it or not: Western media uncovers Putin plan to ‘weaponize’ 14-legged squid

As part of an ongoing scare campaign, Vladimir Putin has been accused in the West of weaponizing just about everything. But this latest claim seems to prove the mainstream media is running out of ideas.

There’s very little Vladimir Putin has not weaponized at this point. If it’s not refugeesrobotic cockroaches or WikiLeaks, it’s think tankshistory or even Mother Nature herself with the weather. You name it, Vladimir Putin can find a way to weaponize it.

But the latest on the very long list of things Putin has been accused of weaponizing might just be the best yet. What better (or more logistically sound) way to destroy Western civilization than to breed giant, 14-legged killer squid under the Arctic? Totally genius.

The bizarre claim comes courtesy of one Dr. Anton Padalka who was apparently part of the scientific mission to Lake Vostok during which the discovery was made. Padalka said the discovery of the horrifying squid creature — or Organism 46-B, if you want to be precise — was immediately covered up by officials who quickly recognized in it the potential for deadly, devastating weaponization. Watch out, Western world.

According to Padalka, as reported by the Daily Express, the 14-legged monster can “hypnotise its prey and paralyse humans at a distance of 150 feet using poisonous venom” and was responsible for the death of two members of the scientific expedition.

Padalka reported that he watched his lifelong friend treading the water “wearing a blissful smile” (presumably hypnotized?) before the creature tore his head off. Now, I don’t want to appear insensitive, but this Padalka fella seems to be recounting the details of his lifelong friend’s death in strange and inconsistent terms. One minute, it’s a poetic retelling of the man’s blissful smile and the next he is quoted as referring to his friend as “it” — which is a rather strange thing to call your lifelong friend after watching him be devoured by a killer squid. Or maybe that’s just me?

Anyway, we’re not done yet. There’s so much more to this squid than its ability to hypnotize. It can also completely camouflage itself while it stalks its prey and can even shape-shift to fool its unsuspecting victims. Padalka recalls, for example, how the creature miraculously shape-shifted into the form of a human diver.

It’s also the squid that just won’t die. Even when its tentacles have been hacked off its body, it can still kill you with them. Another one of Padalka’s colleagues met her end this way, when late at night one of the tentacles “slithered across the ice bank” and strangled her.

To add insult to injury, the squid was even able to disable the team’s radio.

My favorite part of the story, however, is the bit where the scientists somehow manage to capture the creature after five days. One would think a shape-shifting, camouflaged, human-stalking squid with poisonous venom tentacles that don’t die would not succumb to the power of a human tank or cage.

Alas, Organism 46-B has its shortcomings like the rest of us.

Unsurprisingly, quick Google searches (in English and Russian) don’t throw up much information about “Anton Padalka”, who is said to have “fled” Russia after uncovering Putin’s macabre plans. But we know he must be real, because, like anyone fleeing a killer squid-breeding dictator, he did what we’d all do and went straight to the Daily Express with his story.

It remains unclear what Putin plans to do with the monstrous creatures, but presumably once he figures out how to breed or clone enough of them, he’ll set them loose on the Western world to wreak the deadly havoc and bloody destruction he has no doubt been plotting since childhood. After that, maybe he can store them in Kazakhstan with the missing MH370 Malaysian Airlines flight, which he’s been hiding for years.

To quote one of the comments about Mr. Padalka on the Express website, I’ll have some of whatever he’s on.

The statements, views and opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of RT.