The first rule of RT Club

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U.S. Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. © Katherine Taylor
It seems that some members of Hillary Clinton's team are RT viewers. Judging by the Democratic presidential candidate's current release of emails, it appears her staff even had a sort of RT fan club – a secret one.

FADE IN

December 2012. Somewhere in Washington, DC

© foia.state.gov

Here we try to imagine what the Clinton crew's RT Club might have looked like.

INT. HILLARY'S BASEMENT

(A BOMB-SHELTER. Concrete walls. One BARE BULB above, Hillary Clinton standing directly beneath it)

HILLARY: Welcome to RT club.

(The Clinton team mill around. Everyone brims with eagerness, but tries to act cool. Everyone spreads out, forming a circle, Hillary at center)

JAKE SULLIVAN (V.O.): Every week, Hillary gives the rules that she and I have decided on.

(PEAKING CHATTER, till Hillary raises her arms and the CHATTER DIES. A couple of COUGHS, FEET SHUFFLING, then, SILENCE)

HILLARY: The first rule of RT club is – you don't talk about RT club. The second rule of RT club is – you don't talk about RT club. The third rule of RT club is – if someone says “I like this” in public, RT viewing is over and we force you to watch CNN. On a loop. For a week.

RYAN GLIHA: I guess Jacob and Daniel told you about the Julian Assange show on RT. Will we watch that?

HILLARY: No, I want to see the documentary about the Russian daredevils climbing the Moscow city skyscrapers.

(The Clinton team looks perplexed at Hillary’s forcefulness)

JAKE SULLIVAN (timidly): We are wedded to democracy, Hillary. Why don't we ask the guys what they want to watch?

(HILLARY nods. Words aren’t always needed at RT club)

DANIEL BENJAMIN: That Russian Daredevils have almost 4 and a half million views on YouTube. What about the Dinosaurs in Australia?

(There’s no response to his appeal. Suddenly a voice speaks up)

PHILIP GORDON: Have you guys seen the clip where a group of crazy Russians throw boiling water out the window at -41 degrees?

HILLARY: That’s in Novosibirsk? Anne Bananaboom told me about Siberian nationalism there. Let’s check it out.

JAKE SULLIVAN: It has over 1.6 million views. Any takers for a bit of Crowboarding? It’s a bird surfing on a roof somewhere in Siberia?

(HILLARY smiles. Michael Hammer raises his hand)

MICHAEL HAMMER: How do we know it’s Siberia, Jake?

JAKE SULLIVAN: It’s got snow, Mike. 

(BAY FANG steps forward)

BAY FANG: Not everywhere that has snow is Siberia, Jake.

JAKE SULLIVAN: That’s true. But everywhere in Russia outside of Moscow is Siberia, Bay. And this is outside of Moscow. 

(HILLARY knows her team is wrong but stays silent)

RYAN GLIHA (watching): What do you make of this clip, guys? Isn’t the bird super cool?

DANIEL BENJAMIN: I like this, Ryan (realizing his mistake)… I mean, darn, I don’t like it, Ryan.

(HILLARY looks deflated but realizes she needs to force the team to tow the line)

HILLARY: That’s it, people. Over to CNN. What’s Richard Quest doing these days? Don’t we all love Richard Quest?